You know how you just know? You just know that something feels right, or doesn’t. We spend so much time on the to-do lists. We spend so much time worrying if we’re living up to the expectations of the world, of our parents, of our wisest self. The thing is this: You already know. We all do.
I’ve spent my life wondering if I was good enough. For whom, I”m not entirely sure. I’ve always questioned whether or not I was doing a good enough job. Was I a good daughter? I didn’t know because I searched for the answer in the one person who didn’t have the tools to show love; my father. My tormented, brilliant, talented and very, very emotionally unavailable dad. The questions started there. They got bigger and deeper. I began to wonder if I was a decent human being. If I didn’t connect with someone, I wondered what I was doing wrong. This idea stayed with me for many, many years.
I found yoga at 29 years old. I was petrified to take my first yoga class. I was certain that I would not be good enough. Still, the whisper of inspiration asked me again and again to try. With the support of some very close friends, I went to a class in the basement of the fitness room in my apartment complex. I felt out of place, but strangely at home at the same time.
A series of events brought me to the owners of a local yoga studio. They were beginning a teacher training program. It was the first time that I just knew. I knew that even though I was scared that I needed to move toward yoga. I was accepted into the training program and over the next ten months I immersed myself in the practice and philosophy of yoga. It was difficult at times and blissful through others. It was as the way life often is. I thought of giving up at times and I thought of nothing else but practicing and learning yoga at others.
I graduated in October of 2005 and began teaching immediately. I was working full time at a car dealership at the time (something I’ve been doing since 1996). I knew that I needed to teach. There have been moments in time when I was able to dedicate myself to teaching and there have been times when I had to put it on the back burner in order to focus on a full time job (even if I didn’t love it) because I needed the security of a 9-5 position.
I recently moved to Queens, NY from my hometown of Manchester, CT. When I left, many of the people at the dealership I worked for told me to forget about the car business and teach yoga. I was afraid. I didn’t feel like I could pull it off. I wanted security. I took a position with a dealer in Long Island and had thoughts of putting my teaching on the back burner again.
It didn’t feel right.
I connected with a local studio, Laughing Buddha, in Bayside Queens. I walked in and asked if I could teach there. I became a sub teacher and would ask for a weekly class on a weekly basis. The owner of the studio and I became friends, and talked about yoga and my experience with a studio in CT. After four months or so, he asked me if I would be interested in managing the studio and teaching. It would mean that I would have to leave my security of a full time job that I knew.
Still, sometimes you just know. You just know that even though you’re afraid, you have to move forward. And moving forward I am. I am leaving what I am used to for what I want. I am allowing the question of will I be good enough come up and I am greeting the questions with ujjayi breath. I will trust the process. I will just be Temple, as is, and open to learning new things.
So, come join me. Come to class, come to events, come in to the studio. The beauty of this practice is that the questions are always welcome. The past is as welcome as the future is, and we come to the mat to be in the present. I know that I am as perfect as I allow myself to be and that every breath is a practice in acknowledging my divinity. I hope to see you on my journey.
in peace, with love,